Setelah setahun jadi manusia goa karena bertubi-tubi dihujam stase besar terberat (Obgyn terus Anak) tanpa liburan, akhirnya, kembali dengan alhamdulilah masih utuh :”))))  Walaupun hati sempat porak poranda, bentuk sempet menyerupai manusia purba (rawat diri jelek) dan otak nyaris mendidih, I am alive :’’’’)

Too much happened, and too much things I forgot, but also too much thing I thought but failed to write becoz so mager. But this stase, has taught me a lot. And I think I’ve grown a bit.

Mulai dari obsgyn kali ya, jaganya banyak. Lelah fisik, ditambah batin. Karena semua Lelah fisik, semua uncontrollable. Sedikit hal salah, bisa bubrah, karena rasanya selalu pingin mengamuk. Aku justru lebih banyak belajar cara menghadapi orang disini. Well, team working. Dan kepribadian orang-orang di titik terendah mereka. Ada yang baper, ada yang menutup hati. Ada yang ga peduli, don’t give shit lah. Ada yang manipulatif, ada yang grandiose. Ada yang masih bisa berpikir jernih, tapi sebernenya udah gak kuat. Ada. Kita semua belajar how to cope with differences, along with the extra workload. Strangely, it’s very educating. I learnt, human cant always have what they want. Sometimes, all we can do is to accept, making win win solution, or just freaking do it. Because, complaining is good but not making it better. Suggestion is better. it’s hard to please everyone, and to be fair. And a little sorry can make everything much better. And a little thank you also. And it’s better if you say the honest thing, rather than lied. Because everyone will know that you lied, they just pretend to not knowing it. But they knew. And I knew just how much a grown adult is saddening and cant be the role model. Please, we are a fully capable and functional adult, right?

And I learnt that teman terbaik adalah iman……..dan koyo. Wkwkwkwkw. Koyo hansaplast vs koyo salonpas, ternyata koyo salonpas yang terbaik. Hangat meresap, penghilang pegal. Cukup 2 lembar semalam untuk menemani siksa boyoken gara nungguin ibu ibu ngeden.

And I also learnt, to survive, sometimes you have to be a penjilat. Yes.

Low and so……males banget. But in order to survive, what can you do? No, I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be a high and mighty adult that everyone has to agree upon me, making me happy, and be there for me. No. That’s not what human do to other human. I hate it. But I have to do it. At times what I thought about it is “this is only temporary, it’ll be over”, that’s what making me do it without complaining. But if in the future I have to deal with it again for thousand years to survive, Well…………… I’ll think about it.

Sometimes, I think I’ve become a heartless person, that only think about myself. Don’t give a shit to other people. Your problem, your problem, not mine. Fix your own problem, will you? Sometimes I think that’s actually bad. It’s heartless. But in order to survive….. Sometimes I hate myself for rationalizing it, but sometimes….. I don’t know. Is it bad? Is it the wrong to do? Is there any other way? Can I do better when those times coming again?

Stase anak. Di stase ini aku beruntung, bertemu dengan grown up adult, that is as cool as a silver white knight lady in my imagination. Fierce, strong, concrete, clever, and tsundere. Wkwkwk. It’s hard outside but soft inside, that you can feel her love, eventhough she’s mad at you at the moment. I reallllly really really like her. It’s like most of my idealism is so connected to her. Damn. She told us to be the most idealist person and don’t ever let that idealism ruined. Be the light. Be clever. Be the best. Fight against all odds. Not for yourself, but for the patient. Don’t let any of your patient suffers because of your stupidity and laziness. Eventhough we are always getting mad at because of our stupidity, but I knew it very well, that she love us. She want us to be as good as her. So that someone will share the same dream, the same idealism, the same vision, as her.

And she’s also very philosophical that makes you cannot sleep at night just to answer her questions (either life’s question or medical question wkwkwkw. Or am I just that stupid).

And, I always felt that I wanna cry whenever I see parents with their child, as, for example cp patient, or gdd problem. In the parents I see…..the purest form of love. 100% giving, no taking back. 200% if I must say. The love, the acceptance, the guiding, and never ending support, eventhough everything maybe wasted away. And they still put smile upon their face. In them I saw a very, very strong figure, but it’s also very loving and tender. What kind of things that drive them actually, I wanna know. Is it because of iman? Or others?. Even when I write this I remember those faces and now im in the verge of bursting. Lemah emang 😦  Not forget to mentiuon, the spirit of this kiddos, the smile, the laughter, eventhough it’s not a happy place but they laugh naturally. “Adek, mbak pinjem jempolnya bentar yaaa….”, and they give you right away with some giggles…..(well sometimes with cry wkwkwk). Whenever I saw this, a sleeping part of me will get kicked, and said to me, witness this innocence and pureness. And you shall be grateful.

Aaah, pediatric, what a great memory. Wonder If I will be able to return. Or maybe no? Will I strong enough to take that challenge? Time will answer.

Stase jiwa. Sedikit bernafas lega bias ngulet. Disini bertemu dengan berbagai pasien jiwa, kebanyakan pasien mayor. Aku selalu teringat ketika mewawancarai keluarga pasien, a sense of sadness, but also acceptance, and kerelaan. Kind of the same when I met the parents. Because, mental health issue is a disease that is very hard to understand. Sometimes all we can do now is to accept the fact. The patient, not a lot of them is lucky enough to find their way back to society, to go functioning again. Most wil be ‘trapped’ in the stigma. And fighting something that can’t really be seen like stigma is a very difficult job, but it can be done. Maybe start with ourselves, rite? Understanding and accepting.

Stase saraf. A very fun stase! Because at this place I learnt a lot to do comprehensive physical exam. Neuro is actually like observing a clear map if you can find the right anamnesis and physical examination. Everything is structured and crystal clear if we know the concept. And I was lucky to met my supervisor, who is as cool as a winged eagle, and also very very kind. Stase mana lagi yang kamu ditraktir nyaris tiap hari mamen. Tapi juga paling capek karena berangkat jam setengah 6 pagi pulang jam setengah 9. Motek. Nggak pernah belajar pula. pethuk banget pokoknya.

Stase bedah. Asyiiik. Here I learnt a lot too. I met a very weird person. That I grew very very tired but also scared of him in the same time. But you know, everything is best solved by communication. And Glad we did that communication. One thing for sure, I swear in my life I Would Never Ever Be That Kind Of Adult. Just Never. And then I met a certain person too….that is disappointing…that he never trust us really, because we are juniors. Well, classic problem. But that I know, being senior is not always right. Course because we are human. And if you have something in your mind, do convey it. Whenever it is accepted or rejected, at least you did your best to tell them.

Radiology. All I remember was the exam was very hard.

UKMPPD> So cry-able 😦


Side note:

And I also learnt, that becoming a doctor is about striving for perfection, every single time. It’s about internalizing perfectionism inside you until it become habit. Eventhough you were such a reckless slacker, but perfection is the goal. Why? Of course the answer is simple. Even kids know. But to get that perfection, training and learning, and learning and learning again is the key. There comes saying, art is long, life is short. Perfectly make sense. Becoming a doctor, you want it or not, is the same as if you signed that lifelong learning contract. And to tell you the truth, the contract is not just about learning forever and ever, its also the social contract, and the ethic and norm contract, that you must obey.

Social contract, people will see you as someone who will and forever willing to help anyone in need anytime, anywhere, no matter what. Even if you yourself in the middle of crisis. The ethic, norm and discipline, you have to be a strong cliff. Becoming a doctor is living, not only for yourself but also others. Your life is not yours alone.

If you think about it at the same time, what a great burden. We may become very stressed. But we’ll take it slowly, to become the best version of us. We’ll take a step forward, firstly by embracing our weakness, and by knowing that we are imperfect. Perfection, our goal, is can only achieved by learning, learning mistakes, learning by doing, and doing. Doing. Making mistakes, Fix.

It’s a hard road, yes, but you’ve chosen it. Just when things get rough, tell yourself you’ll see rainbow while going at it. Tell yourself. Because nobody else will promise it to you 🙂